Time has escaped me as I haven't written here in three years now. It's been busy since spraining one foot and then breaking the other once the first foot healed. Time passes so quickly and slowly it's easy to forget your passions and hobbies.
To my surprise, there was the group for the orphanage I had once lived. I wasn't expecting to find so many adults who had once lived in White Lily. I didn't expect to see positive adoptees talking about their time at White Lily either. I have encountered numerous hateful adoptees but so few positive adoptees who were willing to talk and write books. It's sad to see the hurt come out in ways we can't imagine but we still feel them. I believe there are many positive ways to move forward.
Sometimes it takes going back to the beginning. So many adoptees and their new families were lied to. We were lied to about our past to help our adoption. Sometimes our paperwork was destroyed in a fire. Other times the paperwork was never passed on. It seems to be a common trait of employees with the adoption agency or welfare system shoving family information under the carpet in the idea of making the transition easier. They were wrong, it didn't help. I personally feel it made it worse. We grew up not knowing our own history. I believe many of us just want to know the truth. Many times we don't need a relationship with our biological family but just to know; who are they.
We were told a story of our mothers leaving us behind because of money problems or we were simply left with a note pinned to our basket asking for the Sisters to care for us. This has continued all over the world and has not stopped. Even with the laws in place to prevent this, we will still see lies. Lies don't help us understand the truth. It seems to leave a hole in our hearts and mind.
Even if we have amazing adopted families we still have those questions we can't answer. No one can answer. People spend their lives not knowing; leaving regret where they should have had something to pacify their quest. For too many adoptees it has created a strange sense no one else can explain.
However, for some lucky ones we do get closure. White Lily seems to have tried to preserve what they could for us. They kept our records and the truth. I heard from many other adoptees outside of White Lily who had not been as fortunate. Their orphanage had burned and all the paperwork is now gone. With the age of technology, it would perhaps be beneficial to have all the paperwork entered into a worldwide database to be viewed when the adoptee is old enough to search for it.
Let me start at the beginning.
My personal story was unique. The story my family and I were given was the same story of being found abandoned. My parents adopted me through Holt Internation Adoption Agency. Holt began because of the children who had Korean mothers but foreign fathers. The Holt Family wanted to adopt eight war orphans. With many prayers and help from various people, including President Eisenhower, the path for the new Holt children was carved.
Because of the Holt family, many adoptees were given the chance in having a better future. I am proud to say Holt help my family and myself. However, I was very unhappy in how Holt responded when I was able to meet with my biological family. It was strongly discouraged by the direction of Holt in 1998 and also they were unwilling to assist with translating near the end of my visit to Korea on the family tour.
When I lived at White Lily it was for only six short months. I was about a year old when my paternal grandmother brought me to the orphanage. I remember they were talking to the nuns and someone took a photo of me. Then as quickly as I got there, my grandmother handed me to the nuns and left with our neighbour.
I remember playing with other children and crying over toys taken away from me by older children. I was still unsteady on my feet so it made the fight easy. My "bomo" (nanny in Korean) would give me snacks and help us. I remember her white pants. One day, she was talking to one of the Sisters. It was very serious and about me. I remember because I would walk between her legs to gain her attention. She wasn't playing with me so I kept trying to squeeze near her. She picked me up and brought me to the office. An American had come to visit me.
The adults talked and the American explained to me he was my new Uncle. I was going to be adopted in America! He had brought some candy and gave me a lollipop. My new Uncle's translator told me to give my new Uncle a kiss. They took some photos of me with my new Uncle. Too soon it was time for him to leave. While we walked him out the steps of the orphanage, I held out my arms because I didn't want him to go yet.
One day a photographer came to take my photo for, my new family. Someone ran off with toy truck I wanted to play with. I was sobbing and refused to turn around for them. The grown-ups called my name and yet I refused. I remember someone picked me up laughing as I was crying over the truck. They took my photo anyways with tears streaming down my face.
I don't remember the plane ride from Korean to America very well. I remember a stop in Alaska where someone changed my diaper and also took a photo of me. The flash frightened me and I held up my arms like I was being robbed. Soon after the flight for the JFK airport was being boarded and we were on our way again. There were many other babies on the flight. Somehow I managed to make someone mad enough to bite me.
My new family was so excited to greet me. My new mother, father, older sister, and grandparents (mother's parents) were at the airport to collect me. They took many photos of us together. I remember some of the photos taken. I remember a man from Holt bringing me to my new family. I was playing with his name tag. Curious little hands were poking at the edges as he handed me to them. They were so happy to have me with them. I was a long-awaited adoption. I was supposed to arrive in July but I was too ill and came in September instead.
I adjusted as well as I could. I had already learned to speak in Korean and bow. My parents had decided to distract me when I tried to bow to my male family members. I began to put together English words within a month! It was an exciting life. I learned so many things.
Eventually, my father's job brought us to Texas. It was where I spent most of my childhood. During this time, there weren't many Asians in the area. The school I attended didn't a diverse group of students. I stuck out from my peers. It wasn't easy as the students didn't always treat me as another. I think many of adoptees growing up in areas where there wasn't much diversity it was an uphill climb for their peers to realise they weren't some foreign alien.
When I was a teenager my family and I decided to on a family trou group through Holt. We were able to visit many historic sites along with experiencing traditional Korean food. This was in the summer of 1998. Korea was very different from what it is now. It was modern but so many changes since then. One of the days we were close enough to White Lily in Daegu that we went with another adoptee from White Lily.
The Mother Superior was excited to greet us and handed us packets of our family history. It was a shock to both myself and the other girl and her mother. Our interpreter was giving the other girl the opportunity to find her family and she declined. She was shocked and couldn't think it was possible. For me, I was excited and asked we go look for my Korean family right away. I read the paperwork and saw I had older siblings, three older brothers and an older sister. Our interpreter was able to tell us the story on our paperwork.
We left the orphanage and went to a local government office to attempt to find any addresses for my older siblings. The man working in the government office was a classmate of my oldest brother and knew the new address where he was last living in high school. We were able to get a phone number, landline, and spoke with him. They were expecting us to visit and were surprised to hear I had found them.
It was a surprise for all of us. My Korean father was excited to greet me. My older siblings were lead to believe I had died and our grandmother had taken me somewhere to let me live out the rest of my life somewhere else. One of my older brothers had been inquiring at various orphanages for me. He wasn't old enough to obtain information and was told to wait till he was of adult age in Korea to resume his search. Instead, I had found them. At first, my oldest brother and older Korean sister were in disbelief I was their sister. But they believed I was their sister as I had shown them old photos of me as a baby, this wasn't until several years later. But it gave them hope.
I had kept in contact with my older brother who is two years older than me. We wrote letters while he went to university and I finished up high school. I still have his letters. My local tailor shop was able to help with translation for me. Those are keepsakes I treasure as we are still miles apart.
Stay tuned for another entry!
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